If You Eat A Shoe, Drink a Martini
by lightsandbuzz
Summary: When Carey takes on a second job she enlists the help of Ellie, a girl with a horrendous amount of troubles, to be a full time babysitter for Zack and Cody. Rated M for drugs, alcohol, sex & self abuse. It will later have characters from Life With Derek.
1. The Shoe at the Dinner Table

AN: I do not own and am not affiliated with any of the characters of **The Suite Life of Zack and Cody**.

"You're kidding, right?" A pair of identical jaws were dropped in an identically dumbfounded manner. Carey Martin stood before her fourteen year old sons with a no-nonsense look upon her tightly pressed lips. She had her body positioned for war – it often felt that way when it came time to persuade the boys that something they weren't fond of . . . well that it simply didn't matter! As long as she was their mother, they would have to accept her decisions and get over it. It seemed hardly matronly to think in such a way but with these particular boys – there was no other way around it and she stood her ground firmly.

"No Cody," she replied with unwavering eyes as she continued to ladle out the macaroni she had been serving when she had delivered the apparently shocking news. "I'm a mother, I don't kid around. Remember? Mom – not fun," she remarked in a dry tone as she pointed to her face which she kept free of emotion. "It's in the first chapter of parenting. The minute you squeeze those puppies out, your fun card goes out the window. Like lightening," she added while snapping her fingers for a dramatic effect.

Zack's eyes lit up immediately. "You had puppies?" Cody groaned.

"Yes and when my fairy godmother came to congratulate me in the hospital she tried to turn you into pumpkins. But there was some confusion as to the actual difference between a disgusting and wrinkled old orange gourd and the both of you so instead of an endless supply of Jack-O-Laterns for Halloween, I got stuck with two boys who need to eat faster so they don't miss their bedtime."

"Mom," Cody began as rationally as possible – although he and his brother could both already see that any attempts at persuading their mother to change the situation were futile. "We're almost fifteen. This idea of _bedtime…_well it's not exactly cool, you know?"

"And we don't need another stay-in babysitter," Zack added as he shoved another forkful of macaroni and cheese into his mouth. So in reality, what he said sounded more like "Anfwh dunnutha shyatinbuhbuhsuh."

"Look, I'm sorry boys. When they offered me the deal at the symphonic hall I just couldn't pass it up – and by the time I'm done with that I'll have to be rushing back here to perform the hotel shows and I just want to know that you're in good hands. It's only for a couple of weeks. Ellie is a very sweet young girl, and she's a friend of London's." Noting the look of terror upon both her son's faces, Carey continued quickly. "Maybe not that _close_ of a friend but they know each other anyhow and honestly Cody, are you implying that I don't understand what cool is?" Her gears had shifted so suddenly that again, both boys just sat rather quietly; listening.

"But doesn't this girl – like, have a life or something? How can she just drop everything and come over and watch us?"

"Ellie lives in the hotel for now. Apparently her boyfriend is in some band, which is how she knows London, and they're both staying here while his band records their newest album at one of the studios down the street. So really, she's just going to be all by herself anyway."

"So we're baby sitting her then?" Zack asked hopefully. "Finally, we get to make some of the rules around here."

"Not quite." Carey couldn't help but smirk at her son's over eagerness. "Maybe you could just look at her as a friend who'll be spending a lot of time with you. I do expect you to do whatever Ellie says though and be nice and respect her and all of that other stuff you never do for me," she teased as Cody snorted in amusement. "But seriously boys, this could be a really large boost in my career and you know I love you very much but - "

However, Cody cut her off with a reassuring smile. "Mom, we understand." Zack nodded from the other side of the dinner table, though he seemed preoccupied at the moment with blowing his blonde bangs from out of his eyes – as though the concept of physically moving them aside was unthinkable.

Carey wrapped her arms around the two of them, giving their small shoulders each a little squeeze before clapping her hands together – once, but enough – as if to say "alright this discussion is closed." And it was.

"Clean your plates there are starving children in Africa." A double groan.

"There are starving people in Zack's lunch period," Cody shot back as he glanced over at his twin who was still cramming forkfuls of the meal in-between his teeth. "I overheard the cafeteria lady saying that someone lost their shoe back in the kitchen and they still haven't found it. I mean, it's not that hard to find a shoe in a room that only has one place to hide. And what would a shoe do in a refrigerator?"

"Cool down after a nice long summer day," Zack murmured as though daydreaming of doing the same, his lashes half parted as he eyes stared off into space.

"No I was trying to say you ate it. You ate a shoe and you didn't notice because you're a pig," Cody spat a little less playfully then before. There was some tone of bitterness but no reason behind it.

"Boys …"

"Now, why would I eat a shoe for lunch Cody? Everybody knows that shoes are more of a late night snack." Zack didn't seem to notice the sudden friction that had appeared at the dinner table. However, their mother had.

"Boys go brush your teeth."

"But I'm not done eating - "

"You're done Zack. Teeth. _Brush_. NOW!"

Both boys pushed their chairs back with long, drawn out scrapes and with dejected faces and glum posture headed off to do as they had been told. Carey sighed as she began to clean up the mess of plates and cheese that Zack had managed to get all over the table itself, even beyond where his hands could've possibly managed to reach. "Don't forget that Ellie will be here in the morning when you wake up, so no running around naked again!" she called over her shoulder.

There was a sudden thump as a door swung wide open and Cody stood there with his finger pointing with accusation at his mother. "That was once! And we weren't naked. We had leaves – like Tarzan. You know; king of the jungle and all that?"

"Well all I know is that I don't think Ellie will appreciate a full frontal view of the jungle boys on her first day so please – for my sake. If you feel the urge to strip down and climb the furniture while flinging your own feces – fight it." Cody laughed sarcastically and slammed the door with a stern look on his freckled face and once more Carey sighed, dumping the dirty dishes into the sink and running her fingertips through her hair with frustration.

"Oh God, this poor girl has _no idea_ what she's getting herself into."


	2. The Shoe Skips School

AN: I do not own and am not affiliated with any of the characters of **The Suite Life of Zack and Cody**. Thank you for the reviews so far!

There was a soft click as a door opened and shut rather quickly. It was morning and Cody Martin was awake; against his wishes. He would've been able to sleep longer if it hadn't been for Zack's constant snoring. It had become quite the annoyance and though half tempted to shove his pillow up his other half's nose, he ignored the luring call of being an only child solely for the chance to beat Zack to the kitchen and make his breakfast before his brother destroyed everything in sight. He wore a pair of pleated boxer shorts and an oversized tee shirt, one of his father's that had been left over from his last visit. Neither of the boys felt any particular tie or close bond with the man who had created them – they were far closer with their mother, but every now and then it felt nice to have some sort of connection, even if it was just a stained, baggy shirt to sleep in.

Pushing thin golden strands of hair from his tired eyes, Cody continued to tip toe towards the counter tops and fridge, seemingly unaware of the presence of another in the room. The television flickered quietly on mute but a faint buzzing sound could be heard coming from the large box of swiftly moving pictures. "Zack?" Startled and puzzled all at once Cody found himself lose footing altogether and in one fell swoop landed promptly on his back. There was the tiniest of crashes as flesh met ground and he whined aloud as the throbbing began up the ladder of his neckline.

"Cody," he mumbled as he lay stiff for a moment, eyes squeezed tightly shut as though opening them would be some tedious chore. Perhaps he was more afraid to see what would lie before him, other than the embarrassment he already felt. He could already tell for certain that it was some stranger who had spoken to him – his mother's voice was all too familiar and this one had a much sweeter tone. Finally, as his lashes fluttered like the tail ends of butterfly wings he summoned up the courage to peer at his adversary – the girl. But he saw no one. Perhaps he was still dreaming from the previous night's sleep.

"Hey, are you all right?" Invisible fingertips reached from behind him, carefully around his small ribcage as if it aide him in standing. Cody let out a howl of fear and scrambled up, no longer cautious about the ache in his neck that now was spreading to the edges of his scalp. Assuming a defensive position he held his hands perfectly aligned in front of his face, swiveling immediately to face the opponent. Oh, it was war this time. However, his hands crumbled slowly into innocent fisted palms as he saw the evil intruder eye to eye. She stood before him, not much taller than he and with an elegant countenance. Her eyes were open hesitantly and her pale peach lips were parted as though she wanted to say something yet was terribly afraid. Cody couldn't blame her for that. All she had been trying to do was make sure he hadn't hurt himself after the fall and he had gone and tried to attack the poor thing. There was something about her that was beautifully meek yet she carried herself as though she were some peculiar sort of superhero – all proud and mighty. Wearing nothing but a pair of denim shorts over her gaunt legs and a loose top, she was in every aspect the stereotypical Hollywood tabloid starlet from the gigantic sunglasses perched on top of her platinum blonde spilling waves to her purse the size of the hotel itself nestled on the counter top.

"Yeah, yeah – I'm okay, thanks. You're Ellie, right?" The girl tilted her head to the side ever so casually with a bright little smile yet as she came to speak at last she was once more interrupted by cries of violence. Zack, apparently waking from the noise, and assuming his twin was in distress came careening out of the bedroom – a baseball bat held high above his head with madness twinkling in his eyes. It was almost a psychotic glint but all in the good spirit of protecting the brother he loved more than life itself.

"What's going on? Who do I hit?" he shouted as he raced around the room, barely spotting Ellie before he screeched to a halt and came to stare at her thin figure. "… _you_," he snarled as though she were some disgusting creature from another planet. "What did you do to my brother? I'll kill you, you know! I've hit wiffle balls with this thing you know. And everyone says that the human skull is the same as a wiffle ball." Ellie couldn't help but smirk a bit at his determination to scare her off. Cody however, obviously recovered from the shock of the morning's events reached to smack Zack firmly along the cheek.

"You idiot, this is that babysitter mom was talking about. Ellie, - remember? And doofus, nobody has ever said that a wiffle ball is the same as the human skull. Where the hell do you come up with this stuff?" Zack shrugged as he lowered the baseball bat with a slight grin, his cheek turning rosy from where Cody's fingertips had blown across.

"Okay," Ellie breathed slowly – already sounding rather exhausted. The day hadn't yet begun and everything was already starting to spin in a round about sort of way. "Why don't you give me the bat, Zack? And then you two can have breakfast while I make a few phone calls and then if you make your beds and don't destroy the rest of the hotel while I'm doing that we'll head out." Reluctantly Zack handed over his so-called weapon of mass destruction and plodded over to the cabinets to fish out some bowls and spoons. Cody, however, stood perplexed.

"Head out? But we have school." Zack coughed dramatically.

"Ix-nay on the school-nay," he whispered in an ill fated attempt at pig's latin. Cody snickered for a moment as Ellie straightened the cloth over a side table that Zack had managed to knock over on his rampage out of the bedroom.

"Well, your mother and I thought that since we'll be spending so much time together it would be a good idea for us to all get to know one another. I mean, you two obviously know each other pretty well – you're twins for fuck's sake," she murmured with a girlish smile. Cody bit feverishly into his bottom lip as she cursed, his head ducking timidly for the time being. "Anyway, long story short. I called you both out – said you two came down with a horrible case of measles, mumps, and the chicken pox but that I was sure you'd both be fine by tomorrow's lessons."

"So we're free to do whatever we want today?" Zack inquired with intense earnest.

"Sort of. You'll see. I've got some things in mind and your mom gave me some ideas as well. But if you two don't hurry it up we're not going to be able to get out of this fucking hotel – so get a move on." Cody cringed again at her language. It didn't seem like someone so charming and saccharine could utter profanity the way that she did. Perhaps he was being juvenile – Zack cursed all the time. Well not all the time. Only when their mother wasn't around. Oh well, what did it matter anyway? They were just words; they didn't mean anything.

"Cody," Zack hissed from behind a cereal flowing spoon, his eyebrows lifted in amazement. "_Best. Babysitter. Ever_." Cody nodded in agreement – though inattentively, his eyes still focused on the fragile young woman that now stood a mere couple of inches away from him.

"What's the matter, baby doll?" she cooed quietly as her brow furrowed and her lips pursed gently. Kneeling just an inch or so to meet his level, Cody noticed the mass amount of tangled bracelets and bangles that covered her right wrist and forearm. Strange, that they made no noise – not even a miniature tinkle could be heard. "You look a little confused." His teeth sunk deeper into the torn flesh of his lip and he shook his head in childlike silence. "Okay." Ellie nodded, though she didn't seem convinced. "Well then, I guess I'll go make my calls and when I'm done if you two finished everything I said then we'll be on our way."

"No school, _hot _babysitter, and all afternoon to goof off before mom gets back from her new job. How is this not the best thing you've ever heard of?" Zack was just over the moon about the situation, unable to cease smiling like a fool. Cody, however, simply shrugged. It was what it was – and what that was; he had no fucking clue.


	3. The Shoe That Ran Away From Home

AN: I do not own and am not affiliated with any of the characters of **The Suite Life of Zack and Cody**. I am so sorry that it has taken me so long to update. I hope you will all bear with me.

"So how exactly is it that you know London again? I mean, you just don't seem like the kind of person that would be hanging out with her. No offense." Cody immediately realized that what he had said could pass as rude and furiously blushed as the words escaped his small lips. However, Ellie only smiled and pushed her ridiculously oversized sunglasses further up the bridge of her nose as she replied with a genuinely pleasant nature about her.

"My boyfriend ran away from home a couple of years ago," she started as their feet made effortless plodding syncopation upon the cement pavement on which they were walking. Stores were on both sides as they entered an increasingly more populated area – neon signs aglitter already though the sun was still out. The wafting scent of outdoor cafes and the occasional pizzeria occasionally filling their senses. Despite the fact that Ellie was fully aware of how capable both Zack and Cody were on their own, she held onto their tiny hands firmly; pausing only every now and then to smooth the wind out of her hair and away from her face. She had a careless nature about herself – perhaps only when dealing with _herself_. But already she felt a closeness with the two miniature blondes and wasn't about to risk anything.

"Did he join the circus and start taming rabid lions and tigers?" Zack's eyes always seemed to become lit like Halloween lanterns when the prospect of something bold and unusual popped into that strange imagination of his. Cody mimicked his brother's starry eyed gaze and with a sugary voice, eyelashes fluttering wildly as though sand were being driven right past them.

"And bears? _OH MY_!" Cody squealed as his hand slithered free from Ellie's – not that he had minded it there. But rather, now it was free to begin clapping in jest as he galloped about, mocking his brother in close enough range for the pedestrians around them to hear.

"Cody!" Ellie shouted in frustration as she lunged forward, her fingertips still clamped protectively around Zack's as she once more laced his brother's hand in her clutches. "Apologize to your brother. _Right now_. I'm fucking serious, that's horrible."

"I'm sorry," Cody mumbled; bangs falling over his eyes as his head ducked a little in shame of Ellie's obvious disappointment in him. It was barely audible – hardly a substantial enough apology but Zack seemed to accept it all the same, shrugging it off with a nonchalant look plastered upon his countenance.

"So – London?" Zack seemed eager to resume what had gotten off track. Ellie, on the other hand, was bemused by his question – clearly still in the mindset of the squabble that had taken place.

"No, that's not where I'm taking you. I mean, unless you've got a private jet and a couple million dollars you'd like to just hand over for the day – then sure, what the hell. To London it is." Cody laughed aloud as he began to bite the tip of his tongue, slowly but steadily. It was a poor habit of his, flicking the roseate tip just to the sharp underside of his teeth and sinking them in until his bottom lip would roll under and he could begin to gnaw upon that. It was almost like sucking one's thumb but less noticeably embarrassing in public. Over and over he would perform the motion – usually when he was angry with himself. It seemed a suitable punishment for a small crime and for some reason, his chest felt unbearably trampled after Ellie had chastised him so firmly – she'd seemed thoroughly let down by his actions, as though he were some child. Sure, he and Zack weren't adults but they were in no way, shape, or form children – and he was damn sure determined to prove that to her.

"London _Tipton_?" Zack tried his luck again, an eyebrow rising in confusion. They continued to walk down the dirt stained sidewalk, every now and then pausing as Ellie stopped, double checking to make sure they hadn't passed their destination.

"Oh, right. So yeah, my boyfriend ran away from home about – two years ago I think? That sounds about right, at least a year and a half ago. We met a few times in between but we only started dating last summer – so almost a year. He was in a rough situation with his family and he just wanted out. So he packed up his shit and headed around until he ended up meeting the guys he's in the band with now. They all just started writing and playing together and suddenly the next thing we all knew – they had all the number one slots on the radio. And you know London – if it's at the top, she's there. So he's kept in touch with her after meeting at a couple of parties and shit like that. They're into really different scenes though. I mean, she's a sweet girl but I don't think she realizes half the shit that goes down at some of the clubs she goes to because all they want is for her to walk around and pose for pictures while the rest of the people there do their business with no one the wiser. You know?"

Ellie had a soft way of speaking, her mouth pursing in a candid and youthful sort of way but her tone making her all the more grown up. If that made any sense at all.

"Anyway, every now and then she calls Derek or myself to see if we'll come to an event with her if she doesn't know a lot of the people going. It's a safety net of course – but that's Hollywood. The word friend has a completely different meaning in that atmosphere. Not that I have anything against London. She's one of my favorite people, honestly. And she's really not as sweet and naïve as everyone seems to think. Once you get some booze in her, she's a whole lot more easy to be around."

The sound of Zack's jaw could practically be heard for miles as it dropped to the ground.

"London – London Tipton and booze?" Ellie remained quiet, stopping for a moment as she craned her neck to the left – gazing across the street at a run down looking building. There were no windows, just a rickety case of stairs heading downwards towards a door covered in a thick green and mushroom colored fungus.

"Here we are," she announced cheerfully as she began to watch the road for cars, waiting as they passed by smoothly. The summer heat was starting to warm her skin and she was eager for the soon to be relief of shade.

"Wait. Did you say Derek?" Cody asked uncertainly, giving his twin a look that Ellie could not place the meaning of.

"Yes." No cars at last. Holding their hands tightly she once more looked left, then right, then left before starting to edge the group out onto the painted tar.

"And when you say _Derek_, do you mean Derek Venturi? As in Derek Venturi from _The Corpse of CV_?"

"Yes." They were almost all the way across the road now, the dank stairs becoming much closer and much more obvious – reeking of cigarette smoke and mildew.

"_THAT'S MY FAVORITE BAND_!" both twins shouted in unison, unable to contain themselves as they broke free from their babysitter's fingertips.

"Well damn, sweethearts. Then you're in for an even better time then I thought," Ellie murmured with a pretty smile as she gestured for them to follow her. Past the stairs and pulling a small metal key from her back pocket; she inserted the key and gave the damaged door a swift push. "Come on in. They're just laying down some tracks in the back studio, but Derek gave me permission to stop by with you both – and maybe if you're lucky he'll let you record some of your own stuff before we have to go back to the hotel. Sound good?"

The boys nodded. The hallway inside was dark and as both Cody and Zack stared it, there was a sense of apprehension. Yes, a sense of apprehension yet thrill and anticipation they could not deny that zoomed through their veins at an astonishing rate.

"You were totally right Zack," Cody whispered in undertone. "_Best babysitter ever_."


	4. The Shoe That Had An Itch

AN: I do not own and am not affiliated with any of the characters of **The Suite Life of Zack and Cody**.

"Now stand still or else you'll just make this difficult." It had been at least a month now; a month of complete and utter chaos as the days turned colder and the breeze whipped with ever so much more force. Carey's fingertips were working nimbly across the latches of a burgundy suitcase that was overflowing at the seams, so much so that it resembled a volcano spilling its ash to and fro upon the ground. Pieces of cloth – tee shirts and jeans, could be seen trying their best to peek out from beneath the weave of zipper that ran like the tracks of an old fashioned train around the outline of the case.

"I'm not a child," Zack muttered in a gruff tone as he folded his arms across his chest in a precocious manner, blowing upwards to part the split ends of his pale hair – despite a recent trim which had been against his own free will. Of course, it had come in due time. Carey was rather tired of being complimenting on her "charming daughters" whenever Ellie would bring them to catch pieces of her rehearsals – which was where she needed to be in less than an hour. But unfortunately the struggle between good versus evil; or rather open versus shut remained staring her brightly in the face. Damn suitcase.

"Do you want to spend the weekend with your father or not?" she threatened in an even tone; as if there was no nonsense to be had. Zack's eyes remained cheerless but no snide remark followed. "Okay, now jump down – and hard." Bent at the knees and obeying his mother, Zack crouched and sprang as his mouth mimicked the roar of a lion. Carey couldn't help but smirk at her son's playful demeanor. So often the boys reminded her of miniature adults; bold and fearless as they strode about the hotel with every ounce of confidence oozing from their fingertips. And then, the rare precious moments in-between such as this one, she was reminded that they were still children – her children. Landing atop the suitcase with a heavy yet dull thud, Zack slammed the soles of his sneakers as firmly as he could. There was a sound of the metal squares of the zipper flying past one another – and at once the breathless exclamation of a triumphant mother. "Success!"

"Are you done yet?" Cody whined from his curled position on the couch, his unraveling blanket wrapped like a scarf around the nape of his neck.

"Are you trying to get rid of us?" Carey inquired with a raised brow of unambiguous amusement as she gave the room a final glance over; making sure that nothing was being forgotten.

"No it just sucks," Cody mumbled into the ruffled fabric of the pillow beneath his head, rolling his knuckles in a downward motion until they gave a definitive and loud crack. "Zack gets to go stay with dad for an entire weekend, you're going out of town for a performance and I'm stuck here. Everyone gets to go somewhere interesting but me."

"Cody I'm sorry," Carey intervened quickly, "but you know I need to go and I would take you both if I could. Honestly, I would. But I can't and because you've got the chicken pox," she gestured gracelessly towards his red and pink spackled body, "it just wouldn't be fair to ship you off to your dad. Besides, Ellie said she's already the chicken pox whereas your dad hasn't. You don't want to get your dad sick do you?"

"No," Cody admitted as he began to scratch aimlessly at the underside of his wrist. "I just don't understand how I got them but Zack didn't. Aren't we supposed to be practically the same – you know, when it comes to life threatening diseases and what not?"

"You don't die from the chicken pox you moron," Zack replied rather defiantly as if he was offended that his brother assumed they should be in the same itchy position at that moment.

"Zack be nice," Carey warned with a stern tone.

"Sorry," Zack apologized with little enthusiasm.

"It really won't be as long and horrible as you think right now. Besides you love Ellie," Carey assured as she slid her keys from the kitchen countertop, cramming them into the back left pocket of her jeans.

"_Yeah_ he does." Zack snickered from behind his mother as he began to pull an oversized sweatshirt over his head, flipping the hood over his un-brushed blonde hair. It had become obvious as the weeks had passed that Cody was more than a little in a state of adoration when it came to Ellie.

"Shut up, _you _love Maddie!" Cody retaliated as he shot up from the couch. His face was smothered with calamine lotion in bright uncomfortable spots to soothe the unnerving itching.

"Well she's not our babysitter, doofus."

"Zack what did I just tell you about being nice?" Carey snapped - jingling as she began damage control; pushing the boys out the door and away from one another. Distraction was necessary! "Okay – does everybody have what they need for the weekend? Check? Check. All right, Zack you head down to the lobby. Don't touch anything, don't talk to anybody. Just wait for me and then we'll take a cab to meet up with your dad. Cody, you come with me. Ellie said she wouldn't be at her room when we dropped you off but her boyfriend would let you in – so let's go do that. Got it?" Both boys were speechless, their brains still somewhat turning circles from her breathless maze of directions. It almost made arguing impossible – there was no room to think let alone verbally form any sort of reprisal.

"Yes m'am," both twins whispered in unison. And without so much as another squeak from the soles of their sneakers, Zack and Cody took their mother's hands obediently and quietly - and waited for the elevator to come.


End file.
